my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
