like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
