it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
