Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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