i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
