I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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