I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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