"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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