If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
