Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
