Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
