i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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