he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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