I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
