i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We left the knife in your bed.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
