First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
only if we run a train.
done.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
