Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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