New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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