I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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