im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My ass is underappreciated
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
