Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
