Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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