my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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