The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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