girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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