are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
