decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
