I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
