It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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