You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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