just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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