my phone needs a breathalizer
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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