Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
