She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
