I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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