i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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