look no pants
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
