I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
