God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Randomize
