Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
