Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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