the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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