If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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