It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
