Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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