i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
