I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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