Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
