sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Randomize
