Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
bring money and cleavage
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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